Happy New Year… *air kisses*.
New Year New me. This is my year for love. This Year is MY Year. This year I’m going to find Mr Right (no not Mark). This year I’m going to lose 20 stone. Excuse me while I go and kick myself in the face.
Right so enough with the clichés already. I’m starting to lose the plot slightly by not be able to turn anywhere without seeing “ lose weight now” “be skinny and successful” “find the man of your dreams” “take control of your work and love life whilst losing weight” “be successfully skinny and in love with an amazingly gorgeous man and have amazing tantric sex whilst being a domestic goddess and have everyone love you”.
For fuck sake. Enough already. So are we destined to spend the whole of Jan feeling inadequate with our poor effort at sticking to our new year’s resolutions that include spending ludicrous amounts on a gym membership that will be used for a week before being promptly forgotten in place for a bottle of wine and a slab of dairy milk? Or there’s always the latest Z list celeb exercise DVD to try at home whilst dad is yelling “come on fatty you’re blocking the TV”. Someone pass me the Doritos.
Also yes I may have a slightly disastrous dating history of late but that does not mean I need setting up with your lovely friend Sam who as lovely as I’m sure he is, calls me babes whilst staring at my chest and doesn’t notice when I slip the phrase “zombies came and took my brain” into the convo just to see how much he was listening. Winner.
Don’t worry kids we can go back to being fat and single for Feb.. Just before Valentines Day (not even getting started on that day of hell).
So January the first encourages the average normal person to think up at least three unrealistic resolutions (when pissed on NYE) that last about as long as the glass of champagne that’s being downed whilst thinking of them.
Ready for mine;
- 1. Detox Jan- No alcohol cigarettes or take aways- spirits don’t count do they, and take away doesn’t include Burger King if you eat in? technically speaking
- 2. Join the gym- Aha didn’t put a date on this bad boy so effectively could still happen
- 3. Learn how to play the guitar- looked at one and instagrammed it whilst in France…Does this count?
- 4. Always take off make up and lashes before bed- waking up with one on my forehead thinking it was a spider leans towards the failure of this
Okay I can’t do resolutions. I like chocolate and wine, the gym seems like a great idea it just eats into my lunch catch ups with the girls and I suppose I could go after work but then I’d miss Don’t Tell the Bride…Not going to happen! I’d love to learn an instrument but my previous experience with instruments isn’t great. Having a recorder teacher tell you to pretend to play isn’t great for the old confidence! & as for taking all make up off- please see resolution 1.
I’m in no way a sceptic but what exactly is going to make this year any different or more special from the last? It hasn’t started out all that great. Knowing how cold it is and feeling generous I decided to give a busker some money, he then proceeded to ask my name and make up a song on the spot and sing it to me… in front of the contents of a busy underground train. Completely out of tune, wouldn’t let me leave, his dog had his nose in my handbag, cue immense laughter from passers by. Literally wanted to grab my £2 and run!
Am I the only one that has no intention of sticking to my new years resolutions? Please excuse me whilst I go and spoon the tin of Roses that’s still lurking around from Christmas,
Peace Love & False Lashes xo