Does running late count as exercise?

My metabolism in physical form is a snail called Nelson with an overwhelming passion for cheesy chips. Due to Nelson and his carby endeavors there is not a fucking chance that I’m one of those lucky buggers that’s a natural size 8, who can just throw on a bikini & look like Blake Lively..

So lately I’ve been flirting with the gym again. I wouldn’t call it a full blown affair but there’s some serious appeal in seeing us together again. Summer is coming and with summer, comes the denim shorts, you know the ones- the ones that are just that little bit too small, that show just that little too much butt cheek- the ones that girls will wear despite their breakfast being on display for all willing (or unwilling) passers by to see.
I mean don’t get me wrong I love a pair of denim shorts as much as the next girl but I’m not willing to become part of the breakfast club just yet! 10003176_10151949660506640_1111737804_n

Mr Gym and I have been through both great and awful times together and have somewhat of a history, I love his company and the way he makes me feel, I just also have strong feelings for Mr. Takeaway and often find myself in an awkward love triangle with them both demanding my undivided attention.

I think the love affair first began whilst I was at uni (3rd year) after realising that living off large pizzas and pints of wine was taking its toll on my body and recoiling in horror at some of the pictures I’d been tagged in, the tanned Pillsbury doughboy personified! Besides, I had to find something to do on my breaks whilst writing that beast of a dissertation in between crying, rolling round the floor and complaining how unfair my life was (oh the naivety). Enter Gym like a mirage in the desert, a knight in shining armour, a light in the dark.

I’m lying, it didn’t happen like that at all. At first Gym was a shit boyfriend who never complimented me or showed any compassion, leaving me in a flustered mess on each and every one of our encounters.
I may have mentioned- I am possibly the clumsiest, most awkward person when I’m in a situation I’m not familiar with. My first gym induction started with an epic backwards roll off the treadmill much to my personal trainer’s amusement, (not quite sure how I did it to this day) but finding myself in a tangled heap in the gym surrounded by ridiculously fit people wasn’t my idea of a good time.

ad1405d3a2d9ddda6b62a60b89a4abf0-dancing-guy-loses-shoes-on-treadmillSince then I’ve kept my distance from Mr Treadmill just in case he takes it upon himself to publicly mug me off again.
There’s been other occasions of utter embarrassment in the gym, dropping a weight on my foot and styling it out by casually limping and jumping on the spot, swinging like a monkey from a pull-up bar unable to get down (saved by another PT). Training easily on a cross-trainer for 10 mins and thinking that I was an absolute cardio legend before realising that it wasn’t in fact switched on and that I have a closer resemblance to a chicken legend than anything else!

going-to-the-gym-funnyBut I know when I stick to it and ignore the pub calling my name and my cosy sofa complete with new ep of Don’t Tell The Bride playing on the big screen and actually kick some ass, my body does respond pretty well.
With my obsessive nature, whilst on one of my health-kicks of which there have been many, I temporarily zone out and think I could be one of those ripped woman with “fitspo” quotes posted over my ass, fuck I could be the next Jessica Ennis. I strut out of the gym protein shake in hand, in my work coat and gym clothes feeling like a personal trainer and fitness extraordinaire exuding comments such as “go hard or go home”. This probably being a Monday or Tuesday, skip forward to Saturday and I’ll be spooning a bucket of pick a mix justified in the simplest way “if there’s no calories on the pot.. there’s no calories in the pot!” Despite my on and off fling with the gym, cheating occasionally with any chocolate I can lay my hands on, I still find myself checking for abs after every work out and am bitterly disappointed they haven’t appeared over night? (is this just me!?). summer

In my latest escapade- I’ve embarked on a training plan to run 10K due to my ever so lovely boyfriend kindly signing us up to be in with a chance of running the 42K London Marathon (….The, Fuck?!).

10K? I hear all you fit, running people out there cry; “why that isn’t a challenge- that’s a pre-run warm up!” But to me- this is a huge challenge, I do not run for buses, P.E at school equaled hiding in the toilets and due to my fear of treadmills my natural running form is non-existent. To give you an accurate image: My running stride resembles a lost donkey crossed with Phoebe from Friends. When I run, I can’t stop for anything- If I stop I’ll never start again and will walk the entire way home- causing me to run (lost donkey style) in front of cars, because they have to stop don’t they?! side-hop

Avoiding the lure of fluffy dogs, even if they do chase me for a while and the owner begs me to stop as the dog will just keep chasing me.. I can’t. Must. Keep. Going. Even with my newly acquired random dog & owner entourage in tow. God damn it if my shoe falls off, the show must go on.

I’m definitely speeding towards becoming one of those irritating fucks that feels the need to tell the world every single time they don a pair of running trainers that makes everyone want to slap them in the face with a bacon and egg sandwich. I do apologise and I know it’s annoying but similar to the donkey, I just need to be patted on the head and told I’m doing well.

Don’t get me wrong although I’ve upped the anti on my fitness, I’m still championing team burger and am a proud sponsor of pick-a-mix at the weekend and treat myself when I need to.. (and no blog post would be complete without) alcohol…
18482-tumblrm0g64jk5vs1qf3eupo1500gi-9KOoI thought I should distill all the health with a decent measure of alchoholic fucking about. I’m well known for being a complete idiot once I’ve had a few drinks and now in my head (3 weeks into my training plan) I’m also a drunken idiot who thinks she’s Paula Radcliffe. So I’m tearing down our street at midnight after a few drinks screaming .. “I’m gonna get to the house before youuu” when I run slap bang, straight into the back of a parked car. The bf meanwhile is ahead of me, naturally (and walking) asking what the fuck I’m doing whilst I’m styling my epic fail out by pretending to hide behind the car and waffling about a lost medal.

Let’s face it I’m not a fitness expert, or an athlete, I’m not winning any medals any time soon and I haven’t hung up my carb hat totally but I am getting into shape and trying to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong I will still have those moments mid-week when nothing will suffice apart from a share bag of M&Ms,  yes I said share bag and yes I’m going to bore you with every last detail, deal with it..

Peace, Love & False Lashes xo

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Modern Day Manners in Girl World

anigif_enhanced-buzz-1385-1373398764-23Saturday night with my belle. The Blair to my Serena, my twinnie from another minnie, the salt to my pepper. Yes we have been known to get into some pickles and last Saturday was no exception. The idea was few drinks, a few giggles and a good catch up. Instead we got served up a large helping of irritating men with a side of sleaze and a sprinkle of well meaning life advice.

When you go out in a two, one of you being single and one of you being not so single, there’s the danger you’ll be handed the wingwoman gauntlet. You know the one- that friend that will babysit that hot guy’s ugly friend, ignore the nose hair and not even mention the fact that he’s got my name wrong 3 times and seems to be unable to keep eye contact (with my eyes at least). Ok well as you can probably guess, I was wingwoman & if I do say so myself I generally do a pretty good job! anigif_enhanced-buzz-25895-1368117375-14

I smile politely, laugh at all the right times and keep the dumbest one of dumb and dumber occupied with conversations about non consequential nothingness while my bff is happily chatting away. That’s until they start to blag/ make stuff up/ or get too big for their boots – that’s when I start to have some fun of my own.

The Blagger. On finding out I work in advertising he suddenly worked in advertising too.. What a small world! He immediately jumped aboard the blaggers ship attempting to impress me with his knowledge of “those viral things” and the fact he’d worked with loads of ad surfers. He obviously thought that I’d be impressed by a few quickly delivered statements of completely made up content and the fact that he knew the word viral.. He definitely picked the wrong blonde.
If he’d have just been honest and told me what he really did for a living I could happily humour him and chat away but the fact the he kept hurtling further down that rabbit hole, tripping himself up at every hurdle, was just too much fun to shy away from. Catching someone out is so much better when you have 20 mins of ammunition to use against them. Our conversation flowed with me asking him if he’d heard of mediaworld as that’s where I worked and him enthusiastically yabbering on about how amazing their work was (they don’t exist) and me baiting him further saying that it was down to me that the Coca Cola branding is red.
So I let him carry on and then casually said “so what is it you really do, because the last half hour was absolute bullshit and can you please explain to me what an “ad surfer” is”. Turned to my right to see his mate and my mate open mouthed waiting to see what would come next. Turned out so he sold wood for a living. Online content/wood-easy mistake to make.

Mr Swagger. Dancing away. Again I’m doing the bff duty of smiling politely as the next tweedle dee and tweedle dumb duo chew our ears off about the music and bottles of grey goose (why do guys do this?!)- I can handle that though, whatever floats their boat. Until one of them, despite me explaining I’m not interested AND taken says “babe..you know you’re my ideal kind of bird, what you saying?”. It’s on.
Oh I should be flattered by this very generic compliment- I hear you cry! Is it a compliment if he looks like Ali G’s little brother complete with sunglasses on indoors? (Why?!) Anyhow I’m in no way flattered and this is precisely where Mr Swagger can be firmly placed back into his flower pot to grow up.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-1406-1373395728-22“Unless I’ve temporarily forgotten starring in the movie with the cute little pig- I’m definitely not babe and as I can’t fly I’m willing to put money on myself not being a bird”. I proceeded to do the eye and memory test by closing my eyes and asking him what colour my eyes are- uh green? and then what my name was- it begins with L? Obviously not a match made in heaven then, what a shame. I shan’t be losing sleep over it.

The Tough Guy. Being an absolute fountain of knowledge after a bottle or 4 of wine I decide to take it upon myself to discuss the bouncer’s career path with him. I’m not sure whether this is a typical girl thing or whether it’s just me that turns into Karen Brady after a night on the sauce?
I also turn into someone that gives advice that sounds like one of those inspirational quotes that is generally plastered over an image of a tree and shared all over Facebook “live your dreams, do what you love and you will never work a day in your life” – much to the amusement/ despair of the bouncer who simply asked if I could leave my drink inside. Encouraged by my faith in him to become the next Richard Branson, he begins to flex his muscles and discuss all the people he has to “deal with on a regular ” painting himself as a modern day Superman fighting off a world full of drunken bandits. “Who would look out for Cinderella if I wasn’t here”.. yes he actually referred to me as a Disney character, it’s almost as if he knew my history with shoes!large

The Eyebrow. Whilst I’ve been giving life advice to a very amused bouncer who has very kindly allowed me to sneak my drink outside, probably in an attempt to get me to shut up. I turn round and my beaut of a bff has just been chatting to a guy. I look to his left and no lie, this guy is what I can only describe as Lord Of the Ring’s finest – Golum. He’s giving me the eyebrow, I say eyebrow (singular) as there was just the one, all be it a very long one. I’ve well and truly done my wingwoman duties to death tonight and this guy looks like all his Christmasses have come at once. After the speech about being taken and Mr. Eyebrow not buying it and pursuing me with stories of his very nice car, I’ve subtly switched my rings over and brought the faux engagement out to play in an attempt to get him to back the fuck up. Eventually he believed me and offered me a piggy back to the bus stop, why ever not?

I guess if my life was boring and if I stuck to nodding and smiling as most would, then I’d have nothing to write about. But I guess what I’m saying here is, when striking up a conversation with a stranger in a bar why not start with something a bit less generic. I’d much rather ponder on whether it’d be better to have arms as legs or legs as arms (arms as legs btw) than talk about your new car. I will continue to stick to modern day good manners in girl world and have my ear unceremoniously bent by an undesirable if my BFF is getting chatted up by his cute mate. BUT beware the blaggers, swaggers and anyone that begins their conversation with “babe you’d love my Mercedes” that you will probably regret starting that conversation ;)

Peace, Love & False Lashes

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The Hoarder and the SMART car..

Can you imagine the modern day version of Cinderella’s castle? Well we found it, fell in love with it and the Wicked Witch and fate himself have tag-teamed and announced an immediate sit in protest. Either that or the estate agent read my last post…

782172If fate was a person, he would be a control freak with short man syndrome, dreadful breath, a receding hairline and tendency to piss on other people’s parades. There was a reason for the TBC on my last post. I appear to have downed a hell of a lot of Limoncello and have been left with a bitter aftertaste and a slight hangover. I specifically didn’t post pics of the dream pad as I didn’t want to invite fate over for a cuppa. It turns out the little fella didn’t need an invitation and wandered in pulled down his pants and took a shit on our carefully made plans.

Short Man Syndrome: An angry male of below average height who feels it necessary to act out in an attempt to gain respect and recognition from others and compensate for his abnormally short stature. Also synonomous to little man syndrome.

enhanced-buzz-18741-1379528490-0It came as a bit of a blow. The short of it is (excuse the pun), the dream house isn’t ready yet. The house is, the current tenants aren’t quite ready to leave though, which is inconvenient as I’ve Pinterested every single room already god damn it, not to mention memorized the address! So to be honest I don’t care that the current tenants are in a pickle with their new build-they need to get the fuck out of my beautiful new house.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that I’d been sharing a house with a modern day version of Stig of the Dump. I’m all for helping the community, but not when he’s sharing a bathroom with me and smells like the mixture of slept in urine, damp dog and toe jam. So I didn’t take the news that we may have to wait 2+ months to move, very well at all.
anigif_enhanced-buzz-6980-1379518280-23Tears ensued, along with the high pitched screechy talk that fashions itself out of pure despair. Cue emergency call to step-dad.
My step-dad is one of those guys who isn’t into hearts and flowers and talking about feelings but he’ll always try and find a solution, so he set us up with a flat whilst we wait for our castle. I was a bit peeved though as just as I’d finally stood on my own two feet, the sheepskin rug was cruelly pulled from under my knee high ensconced feet causing me to land straight on my ass again. With my parents entering stage left in snazzy capes once again.

The boy was amazing and tried everything to cheer me up, takeaway, wine, cuddles, sympathy, jokes. I wasn’t the easiest audience, picture Grumpy- of the seven dwarfs rocking up at an audition to play the part of the BFG and your half way there. In between being plied with sympathy from the boy and tough love from my stepdad, I realise this isn’t the end of the world as I know it.

So the next weekend we pick up the keys to our temporary flat and get packing. Well I go out for dinner on the Saturday OD on red wine and wake up being coaxed into a new day with a cup of tea, ibuprofen and two hot cross buns surrounded by what looks like the aftermath of a clothes bomb.enhanced-buzz-25461-1379610327-12 Admitting to a hangover was a huge no-go but when I found myself wandering from room to room clutching a jug, a slipper and a spatula I realised I was in bandit territory and I was going to crash if I didn’t keep the caffeine flowing. This saw me stuffing everything and anything into the nearest box and piling into the SMART car with all of one box at a time and a portable cup of tea feeling like I was in my very own Disney tale..

“The Hoarder and the SMART car”

As there was no logic or labeling to our packing this has resulted in a new daily game of suitcase roulette which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds. Causing me to rock up to work in hoodie’s for the best part of the week, this being the best possible option next to sequin dresses or Christmas jumpers which seemed to be my only alternatives.. Thank fuck I work in advertising.
The flat’s lovely but I’m still not completely used to having my own place and still have to check all cupboards for murderers each night on returning home from work. Also the fact that there’s a loft worries the hell out of me, I mean if you were a lunatic or psychopath where would you hide?!

Arriving home first last night (once I’d checked for murderers) I decided to light some candles to make the flat smell nice before the boy got home. Slight problem in not being able to find a lighter, but as we used to have to improvise by lighting the old cooker hobs using the one working hob and a birthday candle this was not going to stop me in my tracks. The only problem with this being that we had no birthday candles so using my initiative I rolled up a letter and lit it on the cooker which went up in flames faster than Lindsay Lohan’s acting career.

Walter-White-Oh-God-Drives-Car-Away-Breaking-BadPANIC ensues of me running around before throwing candle, letter and fire into sink in complete blind panic attempting to get rid of any sign of mini fire whilst crashing around in an attempt to locate the lights. Which must have made me look like some kind of indecisive pyromaniac.

It’s going to take a few weeks to settle in and realise that the noise of the heating clicking on is not a psychopathic killer coming after me, it’s acceptable to admit to forgetting where I live on occasions and yes I may have to strategically hide, chuck out some of my old clothes before we embark on our next move. But most importantly we’re living together, just us two and I will no longer get unwillingly high on route to the bathroom.. Rock on!

Peace, Love & False Lashes xo

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When life gives you lemons.. soak them in Vodka and make Limoncello xo

As I may have shared with you all before, I’ve recently started saving for a mortgage. I was happily into my second month of saving when disaster strikes in the shape of el stepdad and a casual phone call telling me he’s decided to sell the house I’m living in. This leaves me with a month to find a new abode, about £670 in savings, a hell of a lot of shoes and a fucking migraine. Why is nothing ever simple?!

Looking for properties is insane, can I just say this is so completely different from searching for a uni pad or somewhere to crash over the summer. I pretty much could have slept curled up under a table for my three years at uni and I wouldn’t have noticed, as long as the pints of wine and pizzas kept coming.. (Yes I did say pints of wine and if you’re judging me, you did uni all wrong!!)

Lets get this search on the road.

Looking for a house is stressful enough (me wanting Victorian conversion, and the boy wanting the latest in modern design complete with a space ship in the living room) without twatty estate agents phoning up and asking if I’d like to rent a 2 bed flat to share with a friendly Albanian family. Funny enough no. stupid-people-ecard

Why is it that estate agents put lovely houses on their sites that either don’t exist or are no longer available? & to cause further insult to injury- send me a house that is above Poundland. If this wasn’t already enough, when I say that living above a shop wasn’t really what I was after, as ideally I’d like something on a residential street, with plenty of natural light and good transport links I get the response “OK princess”.
Cue angry Facebook status and absolute total rage at effing estate agent! It’s not as if I’ve asked for a swimming pool in my front room and a heli-pad on my terrace, jeez Louise.

Dear Mr Estate Agent,

No hard feelings, this just isn’t working out, it’s not me, it’s you.

Kind Regards, your commission x

It’s like finding an advert for a beautiful shiny Ferrari and when you arrive to test drive it, the Ferrari disappears into a puff of glitter and you get left staring at a beaten up old Fiesta. But if you don’t fancy the Fiesta, there’s always the Del Boy-esque three wheeler that they pull out of the garage at the last minute, just as you start looking desperate. I work in advertising and there’s standards you have to adhere to – you can’t intentionally miss-sell or try and trick consumers by blatantly lying.

So please tell me why this doesn’t apply to Mr Shiny Suit at Bellend lettings? Why put up a picture of open brickwork and authentic Victorian features when your trying to sell a storage cupboard in the arse end of no-where, you’re not fooling anyone!?

anigif_enhanced-buzz-27277-1388656274-2I’m an advocate of shabby chic but some of these places were leaning a little too literally on the word shabby and demonstrating chicken and chips rather than chic.. So true to form I freaked out, threw all my toys out of my pram and screamed into a bar of Oreo chocolate which had been carefully placed into my hand whilst blubbering about immediately moving to America”.

Phrases to be aware of:
“Cosy studio”- You can answer the door, watch the TV, shower and cook dinner all from the comfort of your toilet
“Convenient for access to main roads”- your garden doubles up as the hard shoulder
“Popular and buzzy area”- the police make frequent visits
“Friendly neighbours”- nosy randoms that will “pop round” at every opportunity
“Full of character” – old, decrepit and infested with mice

Dosed up on chocolate and experiencing a sugar induced slap in the face I realise yet again, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been sending links upon links to the boy and setting up viewings for the weekend without properly considering our search criteria. I have no idea what our budget is, I have no catchment area in mind, it turns out “open brickwork” isn’t something you can search for and rejecting a place for the windows looking a tad on the small side may be slightly presumptuous. anigif_enhanced-buzz-23899-1380627943-15

Looking for a property is like being thrust kicking and screaming back into the dating world again and god have I had some mares. I have no concept of how to act when I actually like somewhere, do I act casual and send a little note to the estate agent saying I’d like some more details or do I bear my heart and say I want a long term relationship with this place and ask for an immediate viewing?

It turns out places go quickly in London. Flat goes on the market – there’s no “can we view at the weekend?” it’s drop everything, pick your shit up, get round to this place, be charming and hope you’re better potential renters than the other 10 people that have viewed it that day. Not only do you have to up and run, but you have to share your sacred viewing time with a human version of Basil Brush and a woman who keeps opening cupboards and laughing into them. Somebody. Shoot. Me.

The renting process has now evolved into a property based version of Take Me Out. Where you go into the process ready to bid for the property, sell yourself, your job, your ambitions etc the best answers and aesthetically pleasing couple winning the trip to Fernando’s/ get to rent the property. Half way through writing our personal statement (yes- personal statement?!)- I suddenly feel like I’m back at university just with better hair and feel totally overwhelmed thinking that we’re going up against real grown ups that hobbies don’t include Red Wine, Buzzfeed or funny cats.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-6139-1368120467-0But the reality of coming home to a house where Bin Jenga isn’t a readily accepted game, I don’t have to open the fridge and put my head in just to avoid awkward conversations and where I no longer have to hear hobo sex is so appealing.  & besides I really think that this place is the one….

TBC.
Peace, Love & False Lashes xo

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I basically have three hairstyles.. Straight, Wavy and Homeless

Over the weekend I embarked on a rather overdue trip to the hairdressers, with my hair resembling an unintentional dip-dye. This may sound to some, a relaxing and enjoyable experience that one would see as a treat or something to look forward to, I on the other hand know what it really is..

A chance to be pulled around, told off, belittled and convinced to do things I don’t want to do, but go along with, because I feel like I should- on most occasions coming out feeling like I’ve just paid for really shit sex with a deeply troubled narcissistic hair-puller. Whilst carrying an empty purse and countless bottles of overpriced shampoo which will transform my limp locks into Beyonce’s luscious waves (even though we all know it’s a wig), and boasting a new haircut I DIDN’T want or ask for.  bedhead styling.jpg

Slight exaggeration, but why is it when you go into a hairdressers and utter the words “half head of highlights and a trim” it’s as if you’ve started speaking Latin or are offering yourself up as their protege to do whatever the fuck they fancy to your locks while you say no thanks, in as many polite ways you can think of and yet you still end up with layers..

It’s like they spy me wandering in, smelling like weakness or more accurately an empty bottle of Sambuca (often) in sunglasses, looking like the kind of person who drank her morals the night before and will therefore let you go crazy on her barnet! Wandering in like the Bride of Chucky complete with wonky smile and worn in smudgy liner I plonk myself in a chair and request a cup of tea I just know is going to be foul. As soon as I’ve requested what I would like, the duel begins, “half head of highlights please”- how do you fancy going red. “Just a trim”- have you thought about a fringe and a graduated bob? The tea tastes like bleach and as you sip it enthusiastically, whilst trying to scout around for decent magazines, there’s a chance that if your concentration slips for more than a nanosecond in these early stages, BAM you’ve let yourself in for a naughty blonde curtains combo taking inspiration from a throwback Thursday version of Declan Donnelly.

Being at the hairdressers also facilitates one of my worst pet hates… small talk. Talk to me about something slightly less generic and I’m all yours, American dramas, celeb diets, funny cats = Yes. Weather, holidays, local gossip = A resounding No.

Also please enlighten me as to why I would care that Mrs Jones from two roads down is currently banging both Mr. Hill and Mr. Ranger? Who are these people and why do I need to be informed of their choice to live out a porno version of Coronation Street?

13636226821785639415There is also the Jelly-fishing that goes on, without fail. The term Jellyfish as coined by the legendary Bridget Jones:

Jellyfish: A term used to describe a man or woman who engages in conversations with people just to give them social stings.

You think that they’re being friendly asking when the last time you had your hair cut was and they don’t even flinch when you say “ooh I don’t know a few months ago” and even smile as they say “oh well it seems to have snapped in all the right places but it’s still going to need a few inches off”. You instantly smile back trying to work out how you’ve become party to this abusive relationship, maybe they were just being nice? STING #1.

This carries on with comments like “you know what would be great for hair like this, with volume like this, anti-frizz shampoo and anti-frizz spray too” you smile warmly and pretend to read the blurb on the back of the spray knowing you’ve just been stung hard again and you will buy this utterly generic shit just because they’re still holding the scissors!

The worst self-inflicted hairdressing experience I’ve had, was last year,  so awful I just have to share. So the eve before my appointment saw me dancing my cares away in Covent Garden with one of my best girls and downing shots chucked into fish bowls and partying with play boys and high end prostitutes that smelt like cocoa butter (I kid you not) in roof top bars in central London. fishbowl

Woke up feeling less than ideal, crawled like a 3 year old out of the room to discover the bathroom and spoon the toilet for a good hour, hair appointment moved, Han still hugging toilet. 5 minutes loving life in the false security of feeling relatively human allowing me to shower and get dressed followed by proud moment of finding matching shoes, and I’m on my way.

Sitting opposite a mirror in this state for 3 hours becomes painful, the more magazines read the more you start to scrutinize your face and it becomes impossible not to engage in a stare-out with this caped fool decked out in BacoFoil’s finest, and where the fuck did those lines in my forehead come from?! You’re surrounded by people with perfect hair in human and magazine form and you’re sat there making your debut as the caped crusader when it washes over you like a tsunami.. or more accurately, last nights fishbowl….

Rottenecards_81188038_8q3hw2v2x7The thought of an S&M style assault on my head when I already had the London Drum Show holding centre stage, and had recently re-visited last nights shot list- is possibly the worst feeling in the world. The head massage reminded me of being slowly beaten by kittens with miniature cricket bats, not painful enough to cause death or injury just fucking uncomfortable, and as soon the hair dryer was wielded, I swerved it with a totally unbelievable excuse about having to get straight to the gym. Before tripping up the stairs on my way out of the salon with £15 of treatment in my hair I’d accidentally agreed to whilst asleep.

I leave the salon feeling like I need a new Prada bag for spring, a mere snip at £8K thanks for introducing us Marie Claire and I’ve been staring at myself for so long in those god awful mirrors that I’m thinking that Botox would be the most sensible option. I’ve got home, re-styled my hair so I no longer look like a poodle or my Nan and put away all the unnecessary crap I’ve bought, before sitting down and putting my feet up.. until the next time.

Peace Love & False Lashes xo

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SOS- Save our Shoes?

I had such a positive reaction to my latest blog- it seems I am not alone in my change of priorities and as I’m hitting the big 26 this year- it’s completely understandable that I’ve developed an overwhelming urge to own a BRITA water filter and actually know what Zoopla is. I thought I’d do the decent thing and update anyone following my epic battle into the grown-up world of saving.

So after my epiphany on Friday; realising shoes weren’t the most important factor of my life, I then proceeded to get very drunk, smash face first into a Burger King and wake up in my clothes.. Not the best start but what can I say, real life is tough! anigif_enhanced-buzz-24398-1384374587-22

Any who, woke up bright as a button on Saturday ready to crack on with my game plan. Showered, grabbed the boy and toodled off to the bank. Now I’ve never been a great fan of banks, their window displays are drab, there’s too much grey, there’s numbers everywhere and the staff all look as if they’re all proud members of the bad hair convention, championing frizz and low pony-tails. As for customer service, this is some myth that this particular convention are strongly against. But still I find myself thinking what should one wear to impress this army of bespectacled, flat shoe wearing, frizzy haired, money hoarders? Can I get away with some nice trainers or is that too laid back and most importantly will I be taken seriously? I know I’m being silly now but I still find myself styling my hair and donning a neutral lippy in case this makes a difference.

Even though I’m only going into said bank to give them my hard-earned money to put into an account to save.. I’m still concerned, maybe I should have worn my glasses?! I feel like I’m visiting an alien planet where all my knowledge is of absolutely no use to me and I feel like last night’s chicken royale is about to make an unwelcome appearance..

Anyway wandered into the bank, which seems to have been given a major overhaul, which now resembles a trendy bar complete with music, art, a Premier lounge, drinks and smiley club promoters, personal bankers.

Dramatic+Pug..+This+sentence+is+false_0cd3a4_4211562Sat down with the loveliest personal banker (I take back my last paragraph- she even had nice shoes) who explained all our savings options. Who was completely understanding when I did my face of sheer “what the bloody fuck are you talking about” when she mentioned interest rates and the fact that in some cases you can be taxed on your savings! As Amy Winehouse once sang, “what kind of fuckery is this?!!”.

We settle on ISA’s – this being the best option for us (and they don’t tax on what you save- hurrah) and I even resist singing ISA ISA baby to the tune of that famous Vanilla Ice track- brilliant.

As our accounts are being set up, the boy thinks it would be funny to mention the shoe fund, turns out Miss Barclays had one too (1-0 to me), she even had a mutual understanding for the greatness of not on the highstreet! Whilst sniggering at my suggested password- please tell me what is wrong with having your pets surname as a password, even if said pet is no longer with us? We decide to get me a credit card for boosting my credit rating. One of those things that my step-dad is always banging on about “what would you do if you got into trouble or ran out of money when you’re abroad?” apparently “ring you” isn’t the correct answer.. who knew?!

We wander out of the bank with savings accounts with some money in, a credit card pour moi and I’m feeling stupidly proud of myself, like this..right now.. is a life defining moment, there should be music playing, I have a little strut in my step and feel like a gold star would be totally at home on my chest. anigif_enhanced-buzz-25730-1355518361-8

After a crazy productive Saturday with a BRITA Water filter joining my arsenal of home buys along with a lovely set of tumblers (they were in the sale before you judge me) a lazy Sunday is sometimes just so needed. Except staying in forces you to take on board the reality of an overflowing wash-basket, the only thing resembling food that you have left comes in a rather fetching Heinz can and an unsavoury whiff of weed greets you when sauntering past the hobo’s room.. Not to mention my new favourite hobbies- cleaning the bathroom and ironing shirts to stop the boy from skipping off to work looking like a good looking, but very homeless person who’s shirt has more creases in than an elephant’s scrotum.

excited-dog-oAmong my Sunday achievements was cancelling my phone contract which is one of those things I despise doing which is largely down to the fact I’m a huge pussy and would rather just pay than have one awkward phone-call. But managed to get through it, spoke to a lovely guy that asked me why I was changing service providers after so many years and I felt a wobble of “he’s such a nice guy, maybe I should just keep two phones after all” but could see the boy shaking his head as if seeing the weakness festering inside me. For the same reason, I previously panicked when missing a payment on my store card and tried to pay them more than I owed as I was so worried about them being angry with me..” but that’s another story entirely!

My new saving savvy attitude has seen my return to the online wonderland that is eBay. Having to triple hang things and use myself as a human Trojan horse to force unruly clothes to one side in order to hang anything, which more than 90% of the time results in what I like to call a clothes avalanche – it was time. Cue my “watchers and bidders” obsession, anyone that is an avid ebayer will understand this.

I’ll be sat watching a film and I’ll suddenly yell “eek 14 watchers” sounding like an excited voyeur who has a tendency to over-share. Ebay me: glitzyditzyhan – go on watch my stuff-  make my day!

anigif_enhanced-buzz-2774-1355609789-3I may still be storing shoes on my bookshelves, but recovery from being a spendaholic is a long process and as long as I don’t listen to the desperate calls of my inner monologue convincing me I need a 5 pan copper saucepan set or vintage tea set (who doesn’t)- I’m on my way.

Peace, Love & False Lashes xo

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Domestic Bliss?

So this week has seen me Googling vintage style cutlery, wedding gifts, the most up and coming areas to buy in London, Baroque lighting, warehouse conversions and uttering the words “look at that Persian rug it’s absolutely divine”.

homeIf I haven’t already lost you, I do apologise I appear to have tumbled out of my drunk on a Tuesday, forgot my underwear, sequins on and I don’t give a shit haze and fallen into a new phase which sees me in the kitchen baking. Whilst discussing my cheese of choice when fashioning macaroni cheese from scratch whilst creating mood boards for every single room in my 3.4 million pound house that can be found right in the centre of my over imaginative brain.. dare I say it? I’ve entered the domestic bliss phase.

 Before I get the apron emblazoned with the words “domestic goddess” I should face facts. I have absolutely no fucking clue what I’m doing…

I’m an impulsive nightmare with an uncanny flair and talent of blagging myself out of the fact that I’m crap at sticking to one plan without deviating and cannot save even if my life depended on it! Aha I hear you laugh, but for a girl that had built a £200 shoe allowance into her monthly wages and the first thing to receive the elbow when finances were getting dicey was food- this signals a very real issue.

On discussing savings and joint accounts with the guy, the first guy that’s ever known me totally inside and out.. and he bursts open my personal shoe fund secret.. “haha what do you mean in case you need shoes? you don’t NEED shoes babe”.. I don’t? Major life evaluation moment with shoes not being the priority, well this complicates things slightly? Damn this new open/share all side to me! 

 mathsAlthough I can see the look of “thank fuck” in my parents eyes little do they know.. the new house, decor and vintage cutlery has merely joined my mish-mash of must have immediately things in my head that are now vying for space with a holiday to the Maldives, a holiday to New York, an American road trip, a Pomeranian, a few new tattoos, a vintage Mercedes with suicide doors and a ticket to Tomorrowland. Can you see what I’m dealing with here?

 It does get to a certain point in life when you no longer want to live in shared accommodation next to a man who smells like he bathes in his own urine, smokes more weed than sleeps, hobbies include “running up and down the stairs” and owns 1 jumper, a trench coat and a tux which he wears on rotation- come to think about it I don’t think this was ever or would ever be something I’d choose?

Anyhow the getting your own house/ getting your foot on the first rung of the property ladder is no simple task- do not be fooled!

Cue text to mother bear “Mum, we want our own place.. how do we get a mortgage thingy?” Phone call- majority of it with me thinking that a mortgage broker was a pawn-shop (easy mistake) and wondering why I’d have to sell my jewellery and thinking they probably wouldn’t want it anyway as the majority of it is costume crap from Toppers.

Where and when was I supposed to learn how to manage money and learn about mortgages because I’m pretty sure I’ve missed all the memo’s.. What is the most important thing at this age? Mini-breaks and lavish holidays, owning your own property, building up a to die for wardrobe, parties and festivals- I’m pretty sure everyone I know has a different opinion on this & I know this is sounding incredibly like a first world problems list but I would like to say I’m for all of the above!

Most of my most serious discussions and thoughts end in me thinking “what would Katy Perry do?”. But fear not guys, it’s just going to be a bit of a learning curve for me that’s all.. I’m determined to stick to this savings plan and learn what the fuck a dauphinoise potato is and why it sounds like it might contain a dolphin. & if queen Nigella with her psychotic hubby and coke addiction comes out fighting with her own cooking show (which I’m loving) even if her wardrobe leaves something to be desired.. it just goes to show, there’s no such thing as perfect!

Peace, Love & False Lashes xo

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